For You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings

For You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings
Bette Midler (I think?)
This week I turn 52 years of age and my LVAD is 13 months old. As I mentioned or pondered in my last entry, how does one measure time in our lives. I put it out that a day is about 129,600 beats a day. It becomes even more overwhelming when I think about it, a month (93,312,000), or a year 1,119,744,000). Wow, almost 1.2 billion beats for each and every year I have my LVAD. And yet life still comes to me a beat at a time. No faster, no slower; just one beat at a time. But, then it does for everybody – right? I just have a little electric “engine that could” making sure my beat goes on.
So enough the waxing metaphorically, I wouldn’t want anybody thinking that I am no grounded soundly in reality.
I am certainly am not of the age to be considered young, and I don’t think of myself as old, just somewhere in between. I will admit there I times I feel old, very old, but I don’t really know what old is for me now that I have an LVAD that handles 80+% of my hearts workload. It is not an artificial heart, but it is the closest thing available. I sometimes describe it as one to greatly simply defining it to folks when asked. It really is like I am out there on the medical frontier.
I know another patient here in LA who has had his for nearly 18 months. Replacement for him will be in the near future. But reason for having his LVAD is different than my own. He has cancer, and it is his second time around. He really is a fighter and a survivor as his battle is greater than mine and he just keeps marching on, each day a gift, each day, and one more than yesterday. As we both have said, every day is different; handling it is unique; day at a time, minute at a time, and yes sometimes a moment at a time.
In talking with him, we do have very similar philosophies and manage from somewhere deep within as well as all the outside support do make it for another day, another week, who knows how long. He just takes what life offers. I try to focus and do that, but it is not always easy.
Gee I do like metaphors and quoting things I read or hear that inspire me. I will admit I am watching IDOL as I am writing this and there are so many well written songs about living in the “moment”. I just listened to a performance by Queen Emily singing “One Moment in Time” ( made popular by Whitney Houston). It makes me think about just how many more moments LVAD has given me. I was able to celebrate my partner’s (Don) 60th birthday and do not se a problem celebrating his 61st and hopefully quite a few to follow. Don and I celebrated our relationship of 16 years and plan to marry this fall and I have now celebrated two birthdays myself.
I probably ponder too much issue of about life and time. “It is better to read a little and ponder a lot than to read a lot and ponder a little” (Dennis Parson Murkitt). I do spend a lot of time reading and listening, so maybe I don’t ponder so much. The LVAD has been and is a blessing, but life’s moments should be treasured even more. One of my favorites is when I wake in the night to discover my lover’s arm holding me or when he wakes me in the morning with a fresh cup of coffee. Those moments are always worth every day.
So as I celebrate my birthday, there were moments. A friend calling out of the blue, discovering a box of chocolates at my front door; and going to lunch with a good friend with no rush, no hurry, actually somewhat spontaneous. I guess I wish there was a little more spontaneity in my life, but I do have to preplan to a certain extent. Today I forgot my emergency/battery bag. I wasn’t too worried as I put fresh batteries in prior to going out for lunch…..but what if? I did make it without incident, thank God. It was foolish not to return as soon as I discovered I was without them, but I felt relatively secure I would make it home in plenty of time after lunch, after all the batteries usually last well over 4 hours…
Very fortunate indeed as I did make it home without event. Regardless, another moment was created. So regardless of how one measures time in a life, by moment, my heartbeat, or by minute; it is always one more than we had.
Namasté