Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” (LVAD or NOT)

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” (LVAD or NOT)
(reedited 8/22/2008)
This describes what I want to do or how I want to live life, but yet to have found the key or the formula to allow me to accomplish this. I know more so than most that I am not going to live forever, that side of the equation has been somewhat truncated. I have End Stage heart failure and an LVAD, AIDs, Manic Depression, and Anxiety. I guess I have always had the last two most of my life for various justifiable reasons. As other medical issues developed; my episodes with depression and anxiety have grown more frequent. I do wish or think there was a magic pill to resolve the depression and anxiety; although there are treatments that have proven to be beneficial and can all but cure the depression and anxiety, but it won’t be by the pills allone. I do see a therapist on a regular basis as well as doctors for my other ailments.
There are many factors’ that play into this, part is 1) heredity, my 2) family and 3) upbringing, 4) how I have lived my life, 5) my belief system, and 6) alas in what cards life has dealt me.
I could discuss heredity, my family, and upbringing; but I am not looking for unwanted sympathy as it is what it is. I also am not looking to embarrass any member of my family anymore than I might already be doing so. In the end, they could not have been more loving and caring as they could be and there is nothing more I could ask of them. Well that takes care of the first three real neat.
The forth one, I have only myself to hold accountable. Over all I was a hard worker, pretty much a workaholic, probably mostly my fault considering my tendencies. I had a job in the computer industry and what so many of those newsy exposé’s would indicate; we computer geeks worked long and hard, but we also partied long and hard. That definitely takes a toll on one’s life and health. Although not always the financially responsible person, I did manage to buy 3 homes, stayed with the same company for 30 years winning numerous performance awards. Many would say that should have been a rewarding life. But as many know, there always must be more.
# 5 - My belief system is still something I am working on and cannot say that I necessarily will ever be done. I was raised Methodist, studied to be a minister (probably Presbyterian) and then discovered I did not believe in the god of my “fathers”. I can’t say there is no God as I do believe there is a higher or greater self for whom all of us together make up God in one dimension or another (or in many).
I like using the greeting, ”Namastè”;it is a salutation that is a Sanskrit term which can be understood to mean, that I respect that divinity within you that is also within me. {I}1.^ a b Sivasiva Palani (November 1991). "Never Shake Hands With God". Hinduism Today.
This is my favorite interpretation as it seems to ring truest to my own idea of “god” if there is such a deity to which I believe in. In most languages, it was/is used as a gesture of greeting to welcome the other into one’s home, or one’s table.etc.
Overall, life has be quite good to me, I had a great job and just I loved it, I just no longer could perform it. Heart failure became the sinking bullet and I had to go on LTD disability. With AIDS, it was evitable for it to have come sooner or later. I had dealt with alcohol and partying, receiving treatment for depression, and coping with the loss of the first love of my life who passed from AIDS after being together for 10 years in 1991. Fortunately, I soon met my second partner, Don (domestic partners-and hope to wed this fall) and still lovers after 17 years.

As my AIDS infection worsened and I developed pneumonia again b ), it was painfully obvious how large my heart had become.But I just wasn’t willing to face or accept it as I was never overweight, exercised pretty regular; low cholesterol, no plaque buildup, clear lungs; no diabetes, ; I just didn’t want this thing to get the best of me. My enlarged heart was indeed caused by two factors. 1) Long Term AIDS Survivor has a significantly higher risk for cardiomyopathy and 2) My family has a longstanding history of cardiomyopathy.
Diagnosed with heart Failure 1/2007 – implanted Bi-ventricular Re-synchronizing Defibrillating Pacemaker
Diagnosed with heart failure again 8/2007 - implanted the LVAD (Thorotec Heartmate XVE)
Physical Therapy until the first of the year, then I was allowed to start light on the weights in January. Making fair progress: check my blog on Cardiac Athletes (great bunch of folks here):

http://www.cardiacathletes.org.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=669

August 30th will be my LVAD Unit’s One YR Birthday

This has left me pondering some things. Depending on the study one reads, I have/had 57% chance of survival to my first birthday of my LVAD and only a 23% chance of survival at 2 years with one of the more common causes being devise failure. The average life expectancy of my particular model (Heartmate XVE) is in the neighborhood of 18 to 24months. So it is not a precise science as to when it must be replaced, but then for most of my adult life, I have always accepted medicine was as much an Art as a Science.

So knowing I face open heart surgery again (in fact multiple times assuming I survive that long). I guess they will just put a zipper in! :).

So I guess I will close asking the same question that the title begs to be asked: “when does one know they have achieved living life as if there was no tomorrow?”

More later,
Namastè,
Josh