SUNDAY - A DAY OF THANKS

The ongoing story “Life, Pacemakers, and LVAD (left ventricular assist device – think IRONMAN without the fusion generator, just lots of batteries)”. As I learn how to take advantage of more features of the blog setup, I will take emails, questions, and comments regarding my health and/or commentary in my blog. (ljbristow@gmail.com )
I do have much to be thankful for whether I always feel like it or not. I am not a devout Christian, but I am very spiritual. I do not think my belief is that much different than many of the principal beliefs common to Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Shamanism, or most of the other major “religions “ practiced by man. I believe our journeys in life are very individual, but being social animals we tend to gather with others of similar belief systems (whether proselytized or assimilated); more often than not, there are many tenets in common. Being that I was raised a Methodist, I learned or developed a respect for all religions (I will use this to include spirituality). Most religions I was aware of were Christian and I would wonder why there was all this desperation that one specific religion or denomination was better than another or that their denomination was the only that led to God, Heaven or Perfection, or whatever (“higher self “or the “collective consciousness”). It just didn’t make sense to me. I did go on to attend Centenary College in Shreveport, Louisiana through a scholarship program to obtain a B.A. in Christian Education. By taking a basic philosophy class, sociology of religion, and theology of religion classes, I learned there was a much larger world of “religion” than I first thought.
These were great classes to break down my assumptions about the world and religion, but not quite enough to finish redefining the foundation for my belief system. Dr. Webb Pomeroy was one of my most effective and fascinating professors, teaching us what I would envision seminary to be like. He strove to break down the very fundamentals of our beliefs that often were assumed and frail only to assist in rebuilding them (whatever they might be) on a stronger foundation to weather the winds of time in our lives. He was well respected, definitely made an impact on my life (God rest his soul), and actually probably had the greatest impact on my life. I established for myself a belief system that religion and spirituality are like a multi faceted and seemingly perfect diamond. Some facets are smaller, larger, or different shapes, all which are components of the same diamond and somewhat reminiscently symbolic of the religious and spiritual systems of the world. Depending on one’s position in viewing the diamond, which facet(s) we focus on, the light from which we see it, etc., we all will have a unique and/or sometimes shared view of the diamond. If you dig under the façade of what we developed to support, protect, preserve, propel, adapt, symbolize, or extol the values, virtues and the solitary way one must believe and practice our lives, I so far have discovered they really are very much the same. Although my view is probably not unique, it definitely allows me freedom to expand my understanding of how things are. As Albert Einstein once said, “Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” To me, we have our experiences and knowledge to know what is, but the faith of knowing there is more. With respect to Einstein’s quote, we just can’t have one without the other
Therefore, YES, I give thanks that I am still alive, I may not always be thankful, and even sometimes border on regretful. It is a miracle I am alive as so many others, but it does come with a new set of challenges that I or anyone with a major health issue (including our men and women returning from war) struggle with on numerous occasions. I often see exposé’s about how someone with a severe handicap never has a “cloudy day” or that their glass is always seen as “half full”. I suspect it is more that this is the only view they allow others to see. Some can easily arrive at this is another day of opportunity, take longer. It is however a decision faced every day.
Taking this all into consideration, it leaves me pondering my own life situation with LVAD and other ongoing ailments. Is life restored to what it was before? NO! Has it given me a chance to live longer and pretty much independently? YES! Are there things I miss? OF COURSE! But I am certainly better off having the chance to look for those opportunities.
I had something happen this week that I have not encountered in a very long time. I had a trainer, Judith I believe was her name, at the gym ask if she could pray to God for a miracle for me, right then and there! Very reminiscent of my younger years when I was very involved with the charismatic movement. I took it as a compliment. My view of God is much different now, but by no means does this discount her beliefs. It thrills me to see people are still making commitments to their spirituality and not afraid to share unconditionally. In one sense, a miracle has already occurred; the LVAD has made it possible for me to still be alive. Just because man happened to be involved in this solution (thru science and medicine) to extend my life, it makes it no less a miracle. So for this, I already thank “GOD”.
I mentioned the gym above, and yes, even with an LVAD, Pacemaker, AIDS, and DVT (deep vein thrombosis); I go to the gym regularly. It is not that I have any special dedication or personal discipline that makes me do it; I actually think I do it spite. After receiving my LVAD, I used to think I was having a midlife crisis because of the things I still wanted to do. Instead, I realized it really is just me creating and pursuing my “Bucket List” as in the movie of the same name. This is by no means intended to be morbid, but to be more cognizant of my own morbidity and making the most of my life now as possible. My current LVAD will only last a couple of years (at which time I will have another open heart surgery for a newer longer lasting model), give or take 6 months. And, my pacemaker will last about 4 years with about the same time margin. I will reach 1 year mark in August which will be quite a milestone to reach. I feel that I am reaching new milestones all the time, for me and also for the LVAD itself. I have heard of a teenager in San Diego that goes 4 wheeling in the dessert. I plan to take my first flight since surgery in August. I want to live life to fullest I can. I know some things will be more difficult to do, but the thing is I can still work towards doing most of them.
I am working out harder at the gym than I ever thought possible (or my medical team either). I do cardio 3 to 5 times a week, often times up to 60 minutes. My spouse, Don, and I also do a 3 day split doing resistant training 3-5 days a week (for about 2 hours). It has been hard and I have had my ups and downs. Emotionally it has gone from “YES I CAN” to “why bother”. A friend mentioned they admired my positive attitude and drive, but I see it more as my quiet persistence to be more than I am. Maybe like “The Little Engine That Could”, I just don’t always have a smile on my face. Maybe someday I will find that place within me that will give me the ability to see the glass half full from the moment I first wake.
Anyone interested in more details about my exercise, please check out my workout journal on Cardiac Athletes. Just follow the hotlink above in the right column.
Have a GREAT DAY!
Josh