Do Hummingbirds Have Taste?

Hey, I am back......

First, a quick apology for not entering any updates over the last couple of weeks do to a combination of factors, first of which being that both my laptops crashed, and then the ensuing depression of coping with that in addition to my other challenges.

On to today’s entry:

I recently finished redoing my patio garden which included several additional humming bird feeders. Seeing or hearing them flit about gives me some sense of accomplishment in that I have managed to create something close to Mother Nature’s feeding ground on my tiny little patio. I have 5 different feeders from “el cheapo” to moderately expensive hand blown glass. Interestingly, they feed off of the cheapest and tackiest one of the bunch made from inexpensive colored plastic, the one most readily visible on the patio. I guess where this hit’s home for me is whether I am slowly settling into a rut of what is easiest and acceptably safe for me to do and go for the obvious-survival (to continue the humming bird metaphor by going for the almost vulgar cheap feeder); or am I going to find the initiative, energy, and determination to go beyond the mode of survival with an LVAD, AIDS, etc. and look for the treasures beyond just the physical necessities of life by doing my best to appreciate family, friends, to help others, appreciate what life has given and continues to give me. Return to doing things I have enjoyed in the past (as possible) and to explore new things that I now have time for.

In previous entries I have talked about wanting to push the line in the sand and exceed the boundaries of what is considered safe living with my medical issues. One of the challenges I have not discussed much is my battle with depression and how that has intensified with the added challenges. I have struggled with it off and on for most of my life. I could easily try to blame it on my childhood which was not exactly blissful with an alcoholic father who died when I was 13. We never had much as a result, but my mother some how managed to make do and we never did without the essentials of a roof over our heads and food on the table. I could place part of my emotional struggles on discovering I was gay at a time when it still was not very socially acceptable. I could begrudge a 30 year career of long hours, constant travel, hard work, and self sacrifice to only endure a slow accent on the corporate ladder. Blend that with the interspersed health issues that have lead me to where I am today. I know these circumstances really are not much different than those of many others; but there are times that these things do overwhelm me. Perhaps or maybe I have even feel I have been cheated out of some of what life has to offer.

True or not, these are some of the feelings that swirl around in my head. Some folks are able to forget and pretend these events never happened. Some folks just pack’em into neat little boxes in the back of their mind hoping to forget them, and sometimes they do successfully. Others of us seemingly cannot forget them, kind of like the burls and knots found in prized woods all safely enclosed within the rings of a tree’s life history. It is my job to find the right way (like an artest) to carve, polish, and resolve these challenges within the foundation of my life.

In some ways I would have thought going through the life I have had was a relatively normal existence. Even having AIDS has not been too big of a challenge as I have remained relatively asymptomatic. Even cardiomyopathy didn’t seem to be that big a deal until it came with heart failure. When time came that I needed a pacemaker, I still was pretty much OK in coping with it. When it came to my second heart failure and the ensuing implant of the LVAD, recovery became much more of a challenge: physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Mentally, I have virtually no memory of the implant decision, procedure, and for several weeks of the recovery. About 4 weeks after, there are a couple faint memories. It really wasn’t until the couple of weeks prior to my hospital release that I had very much recollection at all. Most of my recollections are from the last couple of weeks involving physical therapy, some mental exercises. Otherwise, most of my time was spent sleeping, napping, resting, watching a little TV and tried to do some reading. Focusing on anything for long periods of time was difficult. Even now it is still difficult to read for long periods of time, but that is better.

Physically it was almost like starting over again. Initially I was on a respirator for several weeks; (I understand they had a difficult time weaning me off the device). Once off of it, I remained pretty sedentary, probably and primarily due to medications to manage pain, heart and other physical activity, etc. From the time I do have recall; my appetite ran from nonexistent to nominal. (I had dropped from around 200 #’s a couple of months prior to surgery to 154#’at some point after surgery). I had to learn how to sit up, get out of bed and learn to walk all over again; unable to go to the bathroom unattended seemed so demeaning. I know I knew how to do these things, but to not be able to do them on my own at the time seemed unthinkable. All came in due time, I just wanted the timeline to move faster. I also still wanted to know that I could eventually return to doing physically what I could before. (Bodybuilding had become a significantly hobby for me and I didn’t and don’t want to think I can’t achieve the same results I had before.)

Just a short month away will be my one year anniversary of receiving the LVAD implant. I have come a long way physically, but not near what I was doing before. I am back up to 190-195 #’s. I have benched my body weight a couple of times. I can actually do sit-ups, pushups, and touch my toes. I have not worked as hard at this as I could, but I think I can still be proud with the progress I made.

Emotionally, there have been many ups and downs. Like some trees tend to have more burls than others, perhaps I have a few more challenges than others. Trees tend to live on in spite of the burls in their wood, and I want to find ways to live in spite of the challenges in mine. I now require more sleep, my stamina is less, hot weather is more exhausting, etc. Some activities are no longer an option, others require more preparation. I guess that last two are what I struggle with most. Although not specifically emotional, they tie to my emotional state. I don’t handle no very well or that life requires more from me to do certain things. I almost feel picked on. I don’t like having the negative feeling, but I don’t deny that they exist.

I know many people have far greater challenges to living than I do, but mine are the challenges that face me. I sometimes feel very alone in facing them even though I do have quite a few folks who try to support me. I will continue my med’s and therapy in hopes that I can get a handle on these challenges and the impact they have on me, not just physically-but emotionally as well. So back to the humming bird metaphor, perhaps I need to take a break and be content awhile until I can regain the strength to once again push the line.

Namasté

Josh