A Life Without Love Is Like a Year Without Summer

A life without love is like a year without summer.
Swedish Proverb quotes

This entry I dedicate to my lover of 17 years, Don.

Don, I love you dearly! (And thank you for the roses, they are beautiful).
Yesterday we celebrated our 17th anniversary. Just an ordinary day other than the AC compressor was out and it is 95 here in the valley of North LA. The heat sort of lent itself to a lazy day. It is funny how my LVAD anniversary is one day prior. So we got to celebrate two anniversaries this weekend. We didn’t do anything special as Don is working hard getting ready for the start of school.
It has been an interesting year especially since it includes my recovery from open heart implant surgery. The scar actually healed up quite nicely, you don’t see it unless you are looking for it. The scar from my central is actually more noticeable, I suppose it wouldn’t have been so if I hadn’t tried to pull it out a couple of times. To be honest, I don’t remember our anniversary last year. In fact, I remember little to nothing of the two months following the LVAD implantation. I know I was released from the hospital on October 17th. There are a few moments of my physical therapy, training on the management and care of the LVAD, and sterile dressing procedures. I am told I wouldn’t want to remember more as I actually was a pretty nasty patient for awhile. I hate hearing that, but not much I can do about it. I go to the hospital frequently and see them and they are just happy to see I have recovered so well.
The one thing I remember of the days I can remember, my partner Don was there every night. In fact he was there every single night I was in the hospital and all day many times (as was my sister while she was here). That is a lot of commitment as school was to start in a couple of days (he teaches 3rd grade), and we had a new puppy to be taken care of as well. What can I say but that he was terrific and I am so happy to have him in my life. I probably would not be here if he wasn’t.
A week or so prior to my surgery, we had gone to Las Vegas for a short get away. On the way back he could tell things were not right. My energy level was non-existent, I didn’t even gamble (this normally would be totally unheard of), and I was always short of breath. By the time we got home, he had made all the calls necessary to obtain the referrals necessary and appointments made as I drove. I had not even asked him to, I probably even had said “oh nothing is wrong; I am fine, just not sleeping well”. Boy, how much denial could I be in! I ended up not even making to my first doctor’s appointment before he felt he had to rush me to the emergency room. The rest is history.
So thanks to him and the cardiac surgical team for the LVAD, I am still here; alive, well, and back to trying to figure out life. I don’t take each day for granted or casually; but I do not pursue them very aggressively either. I feel like I am back to not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, especially not knowing how long I have to do it.
I guess that is where I get stuck. Not that any of us really knows how long we have; I only know that odds are, “statistically”, it is less. But how much time is an unknown that is lesser than another unknown? As far as studies go, every year is a milestone, but only the first 2 years have been studied. I am doing well; I am in good health considering; but not sufficient to return to work full time. I did a 3 hour lecture on Saturday and was just exhausted afterwards. I will admit it does not take a whole lot to get me tuckered.
I would like to do more with my partner, but that is a little awkward as he will not be retiring for 6 more years and being a school teacher is a demanding job. I do sometimes assist with special classroom projects, but wish I was doing more. I sort of feel that like of rambled in this entry today, and that I am spending my life rambling.
Well I am going to bring this to a close. I thank you Don for caring and loving me, even when I couldn’t reciprocate with my love to you. I love you dearly and appreciate every little thing (and the big things too) that you have done for me.
Namaste